...And Then the Stork Turned

This post needs a title!

I think as soon as we get back from our vacation and start pursuing adoption officially and eagerly I am going to start naming the posts Day 1, Day 2 etc… I don’t know why but I find it nearly impossible to name my posts.  I just want to call them all “Adoption Stuff” since that’s what this blog is primarily about.

Anywho, when I was watching all those adoption story videos on youtube last week I was loving so much of the music that people had chosen to accompany their pictures.  I went googling and found a few of the songs and downloaded them on itunes.  Here’s my list of songs that bring me to tears and inspire me.

• I Just Call You Mine by Martina McBride
• Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts
• Lullaby by The Dixie Chicks
• When Love Takes You In by Mike Weaver
• Swept Away by Geoff Moore
• Amazing by Janelle

These songs may or may not be about adoption specifically but when I listen to them with adoption in mind, that’s what they seem to be about to me.

The last three are Christian songs, Swept away makes me cry the hardest.  Every word seems to tell our story, well our story that will be.  All of them were available on itunes, I hope you download some of them, they’re all amazing. 

I’ve been talking to Chris about showing our appreciation to his mother for the amazing gift of money she is giving us, her gift will most likely over time be enough to completely pay for our adoption.  It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and words will never be enough to let her know how much we appreciate it.  She’s a simple woman and fancy gifts aren’t her thing.  I talked to Chris about taking her out to a nice dinner and telling her how much we appreciate her gift.  He talked to her the other day, guess where she would like to go to be appreciated?  You’ll never guess in a million years.  Papa Gino’s.  I’m a little speechless.  She’s willing to give us thousands of dollars and pay for our adoption that we would otherwise most likely not be able to afford and all she wants in return is to be taken to Papa Gino’s.  Somehow this doesn’t seem right.  According to her they have the best Italian food around.  I can’t see how this is possible.  We will take her there, as far as I’m concerned we should take her there every time we see her for the rest of her life, and it still won’t ever be enough to show her how amazing her generosity is.

I saw I had a few comments, thank you so much for sharing parts of your stories with me.  I love reading about others who have traveled this road.  I look forward to hearing more from people who are moved to share.

Been thinking about adoption a lot

I haven’t blogged in over a week but that doesn’t mean that adoption hasn’t been on my mind almost constantly , it has.  One thing that is giving me a huge sense of accomplishment is that Chris and I completely cleaned out our baby’s future nursery.  I wrote about a lot of my hard work in my last post but last weekend Chris helped me get the rest of the work done in there.  Admittedly there are a few office supplies and my wedding dress in the closet in there but I am committed to finding new homes for them. 

Next on my agenda in there is to buy and install a new carpet and prep and paint the walls in there.  When we moved in, there was a wallpaper border  around the whole room in there and we took it down, but we never cleaned off the glue.  We need to either wash off or sand off the glue, fill any holes, and paint.  I don’t have a color in mind, but I think that we are going to have to choose a gender neutral nursery scheme.  I really wanted to do gender specific, but I don’t think that will be too feasible.  When we thought we were going to become parents through my own pregnancy, I didn’t want to find out the gender of the baby, but the planner in me might have had to know to do a gender specific nursery.  I don’t know the time-line of the carpet and paint, but I bet I want it to happen sooner than Chris and our budget want it to happen. 

I started going to some Massachusetts agency websites and poking around, but honestly only enough poking to find the “request an info packet” button.  I requested information from all the agencies that looked good.  I don’t know if there are more agencies in MA or not, I just went off the list I found on adoption.com.  So hopefully there will be exciting mail in the box soon. 

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with the mail lately.  When I was pregnant in November 08, I instantly and naively signed myself up online at babycenter.com and probably other places as well to get weekly pregnancy updates etc.  They clearly sold my name because a couple of months ago I started getting pregnancy related mail.  It started with cord blood banking information and then flyers for The Children’s Place and Babies R Us.  Next I started getting American Baby magazine on a monthly basis and finally in the last few weeks I’ve gotten diaper and formula samples.  Not even just samples, but I got 2 full size containers of Similac formula and 1 full size from Emfamil.  To be completely honest it’s pissing me off, it’s completely depressing to be reminded of the baby that I didn’t have.  Plus I am on a first name basis with my mailman from lots of online shopping, he comes to the door often and is very friendly, I’m convinced he thinks I’m pregnant and wondering why I’m not showing.  Or he thinks I am showing but it’s just fat, who knows.  Maybe when he sees the adoption stuff come in the mail next week he’ll start to put the pieces together.  Mail from Boston IVF + baby companies + adoption agencies = infertility, miscarriage and moving on.

In other news I  also got us a new adoption specific email address.  It’s chrisanderin512@gmail.com and we will use that for all of our adoption related correspondence.  I wanted it to be separate from all the other junk that passes through my email account. 

I was excited last week because I found out there’s a show on TLC called “An Adoption Story” but when I TIVO’d it it turned out to be on Discovery Health, which I JUST cancelled in an effort to save money.  Since I couldn’t watch the show, I went on youtube and searched for “our adoption story” to see videos that people put together to tell their stories.  They were so good, I sat at the computer and cried through so many of them.  A surprising thing happened though, I found myself so drawn to the international adoption stories.  Seeing people in airports, then foreign countries in orphanages meeting their children for the first time was so moving.  I fell in love with the little girl in this video

I ended up watching the long version that was 4 parts as well as a bunch of their other videos of her.  She’s the happiest kid on the planet I think.  They’re so lucky. 

I started to feel like maybe we should adopt from China or Korea.  When I started looking into it, I found out that we won’t be qualified to adopt from China until 2012, after we’ve been married for 5 years.  If either spouse has been previously divorced, (Chris has) you have to be in your current marriage for at least 5 years.  On top of that, the wait for China is 36 months right now.  So if we went through China we would have a child if we were lucky in 2015.  I’ll be 39 and Chris will be 40.  So China is out.  I am starting to consider Korea though, but I keep reading that Korea will be closing it’s doors to international adoption in 2012 and it seems that some agencies are already restricting any new families from starting the process.  I don’t know where our baby is but I hope to figure it out soon.

A lot going on

I didn’t think I’d be feeling so productive regarding adoption stuff so soon, but for people who haven’t even started looking for an agency yet we’ve gotten a lot done.

I started clearing out the room that will be our nursery.  When we moved into our house in October, 2007 we started calling the bedroom closest to the master bedroom the nursery.  We called it the nursery even though it is the room that got filled with all of the boxes of things that we moved in with that had no place to go.  Specifically about 15 boxes of books that suddenly had no shelves.  I have a ton of books, but had to give up some shelves when we moved.  We also stored the contents of our desks that we also gave up in the move as well as a few boxes of framed pictures and art.  Then in April of 2008 when we installed hardwood floors downstairs and were forced to put our desks (folding tables)  and computers in there we started calling it the “nurser-office,”  fitting, no? 

So since adoption is a sure thing and we WILL have a baby someday, in 2010 I pray, I figured we needed to start clearing out that room.  I packed up 3 boxes of books to donate, and found shelves for most of the books that were in boxes that I did want to keep.  I located all of my children’s books and put those in a box to go into the nursery, since those books actually belong in there.  I started going through all the other random stuff that is in there and in the last two days have taken out about 5 big bags of trash.  My mantra is “making the hard decisions” since I am no good at getting rid of my belongings. 

Instead of pitching Chris’ Playstation 2 and games that he didn’t want anymore I packed them up and drove them to Game Stop today and traded them for cash.  I gave them about 16 games for $50, which is beyond sucky, but it’s $50 that we didn’t have before.  I thought it would be a nice start to our adoption fund.  When I talked to Chris about it, he suggested I go to the bank and open a separate savings account, so I did!  Our adoption fund has officially started and it’s already got $50 bucks in it! 

My mother in law had been funding the health insurance we needed to buy in order for me to be covered for infertility treatments.  We asked her this week if we could cancel the insurance since we closed the door on treatments, but still have the $500 per month that she was spending on it and put that towards adoption.  She generously said yes.  I can’t even explain what a blessing this is.  I feel like there is no way on earth to ever thank her for her generosity.  I remember when Chris told me back when we were still TTC on our own that if it ever came down to going through treatments, that she had offered to pay for them.  I didn’t think we ever would need treatments but the offer itself was the nicest thing anyone ever offered to do for me in my entire life and I burst into tears.  Now her willingness to help fund our adoption, wow, it means more to me than anyone will ever know. 

Since we wanted to begin saving right away for the adoption and because we had decided to walk away from ART, I called Blue Cross today and cancelled my health insurance.  I am still covered through Chris’ employee benefits, but that insurance didn’t cover ART, so that’s why I bought Blue Cross.  Anyway, it was quick and painless to call and cancel my insurance, it felt fine, until I hung up and started dialing Chris to tell him the news.  As the phone was ringing, I started crying.  He didn’t answer the phone, and then I was standing in my kitchen crying all alone about walking away from ART for good.  No insurance means no treatment.  I didn’t cry long, and I know it needs to be done in order to move forward with the adoption, but it blind sided me to be crying like that. 

Another thing that will bring tears this week; tomorrow is my EDD for my pregnancy that was from our second IVF, our frozen embryo transfer.  If that had worked out, I would be having a baby right now.  I don’t know how to feel about that.  I’ve struggled with the whole thing because there was never a baby.  I had a blighted ovum which means that I had a placenta and an amniotic sac with no baby inside.  I have felt sadness for losing the pregnancy at 7w3d and for losing the hope and excitement and for the loss of the dreams.  It was hard to be sad about losing a baby though because there never was one there.  Which is sad in itself.  Some people in a misguided attempt to comfort woman who miscarry will say “it wasn’t even a baby” which I completely disagree with, even in a very early loss it is a baby.  A friend of mine did say those words to me, and she didn’t know about the blighted ovum, just that I had had a miscarriage.  I felt like those words were true for me, that I didn’t miscarry a baby, just the sac and placenta.  It’s all very confusing emotionally to me, always feeling like I “should” feel one thing or another.  I feel like tomorrow is a mystery to me, like I won’t know how I feel until I open my eyes.  I feel ok right this second, but will tomorrow be different?  I hoe not.  Chris took tomorrow off and Friday too, just in case we are sad, so I won’t have to be sad alone.  He’s the best, I love him dearly.

In the few short weeks I’ve been talking about adoption

I have only been telling family, friends and well, everyone about our adoption plans for a few weeks.  I’ve been upbeat and positive with everyone.  I can’t believe what I have already heard as far as misguided attempts to be supportive.  I read on other blogs about all the helpful/hurtful things people say but didn’t think they’d be said to me by my people.  I was wrong.  So far, I’ve heard…

• “Now you’ll get pregnant!”  Said with much enthusiasm by almost every single person I’ve told.  Seriously?  Do people really NOT know this is the most cliché thing to say to an infertile moving on to adoption?  I have said to all of them, “I’ve been pregnant.  Three times.”  And also we are not adopting to see if this urban legend is true. 
• “My so and so adopted and they are in contact with the ‘real mother’”  I did not correct this person, but I will if these types of comments with the word real are directed at me and my situation.  I told my husband tonight that if anyone asks him about our future child’s real mother, he is to say that he sleeps with her every night.
• “Why don’t you just fly to Mexico and BUY a baby and fly back home?”  I’m gob smacked by this one!  This was said by my oldest friend from high school, the Matron of Honor at my wedding, and she is also an adopted child.  Adopted in the ‘70s when things were a lot different, but still.  I just can’t even believe I had to hear this crap from one of my best friends.  I realize she was trying to say something funny or supportive or helpful, but she failed, big time!

I thing that may be all, if I think of anything else I’ve been told, I will be sure to write about it.  I guess this is what I have to look forward to, comments from everyone.  I am going to make a concerted effort from the beginning to let these things roll off my back, and to educate people where I can.  That’s the best I can do.

Our first information meeting

I just signed Chris and I up for our first adoption meeting.  Forward progress!  At least that’s how it feels.  It’s being put on by Wide Horizons for Children, which as far as I can tell is a Massachusetts agency.  It’s on August 1.  I find the entire agency selection process VERY confusing so far and I have not really even started researching it.  I don’t yet understand what the laws in my state are for choosing an agency over an adoption attorney, or a facilitator.  A facilitator, and I am not sure I even know what that is, I think is illegal in MA.  Furthermore I don’t understand if I can choose an agency in another state.  For instance, can I choose an agency in California and adopt a baby born in Nebraska then bring him home to MA?  Who knows?  Not me.  I intend to figure it out though.

Books will help!  I just ordered two new books from Amazon.  The Complete Adoption Book and The Open Adoption Experience.  The first one I hope will help with logistics and the second one with emotions.  From my limited research it seems like closed adoptions, where birth mothers and adoptive families do not meet or talk or even know each others full names, is a very distant thing of the past.  We are going to need to be comfortable having extended contact throughout our child’s life with their birth mothers or even entire birth families. 

At first (meaning 2 months ago) I was very scared by the possibility of open adoption, and Chris still is.  The more I read blogs of people who are living it every day it seems less scary.  I really loved reading this blog, Heart Cries.  Their new baby boy was born last month and they just brought him home from the state he was born in.  They have a very open relationship with the birth mother of their baby and speak very highly of it.  It’s been very eye opening, I am trying to push Chris to read it, hoping he will start to warm up to the idea of open adoption.

How I plan to explain adoption

I just read the most amazing story.  The story was in response to people who do not understand adoption and how a birth mother can make an adoption plan for her child.  They say “I could never do that.”  They can’t see the gift of life she is giving to her child, or admire her very unselfish decision?  Here’s the story.

     "An adoptive mother defended the birthmother of her child. Someone had said 'I could never give up my baby,' to which she responded, 'Could you if you were in a burning building?' Relinquishing a child for adoption is like tossing your child to safety, from the window of a burning building. It was not an unloving act, the act of a woman pathologically unattached to her child, but a supreme act of love."

I think this is a fantastic way to explain the gift of adoption to those who are outside the adoption community and just wanted to share it here on my new blog.

Welcome to our new adventure!

 

Thanks for stopping by my new blog!  I’m Erin and will be the voice of our adoption adventure.  You can get quickly filled in on our story and time line by checking the side bar.  I will try to update the sidebar as we cross important milestones in our adventure. 

I will be using the word adventure rather than journey just because I like it so much better.  I know this will be the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but I know the reward will be sweet. 

The plan right now is to enjoy our summer, focus on our marriage and work on healing ourselves from the emotional roller coaster that was infertility treatment.  We have booked ourselves a much needed vacation to Disney World at the end of September, we haven’t been away on a vacation since our honeymoon in May, 2007.  After we get back we are going to jump into the adoption process, which will start with finding an agency to work with.

Chris and I have wanted children for what seems like forever.  It was one of the things we bonded over on our first few dates.  We both had a super strong desire to have a baby.  We want a baby to raise and shower with unconditional love and affection, to teach and mold into an amazing human being.  We believe our family isn’t complete with just the two of us and our pets, we’d love to have 3 or 4 children and I am hoping and praying that we will.

Here’s what we are doing so far to prepare for our adventure.

• We subscribed to Adoptive Families Magazine I borrowed 2 issues of this magazine from a friend and loved them.  They are filled with important information and sound advice.  I can’t wait to start getting them in my mailbox.  I only with they were monthly.
• We are reading Adopting After Infertility We are reading it aloud to each other.  We are really trying to take it all in and ask ourselves the questions it poses.  We never want our child to think he was “second choice” or “plan B.”  We do have the choice to continue with fertility treatments but we are choosing adoption.  It’s important to us that we work through our feelings that infertility presented us with and this book is helping heal the pain so we can move on to adoption with a healed and open heart. 
• We are getting some counseling.  I love it, I love the uninterrupted time to talk about only us, and get unbiased feedback.  It’s so helpful, in fact we have an appointment tonight!
• We are focusing more on our marriage.  Our marriage is already awesome, I married the best man on the planet and thank God for him every single day.  Why not take this time to try to make it even better than awesome if we can?  We are trying to spend more time actively engaged with one another and less time in passive activities like watching TV.  So far it’s going great!
• We are researching the possibility of going to an adoption seminar or “adoption 101” type event.  We have found a few and hopefully will go to one soon.

So that’s where we are at right now, I’m super excited and can’t wait for October so we can really start this process.  Stay tuned for more updates as they happen.